dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
