Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
