you guys were way drunker than both of me
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
