Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
