We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
