Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
