bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
