Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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