WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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