Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
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