we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
