I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
