Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
