I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
