Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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