I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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