Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
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when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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