I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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