omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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