so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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