Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
