awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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