Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
