my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.