How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.