just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...