so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
