i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
...so i touched it.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
