Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do vagina's smell?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
