hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
