Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
