i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
