Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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