Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone came in the potted fern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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