20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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