She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
