i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
