she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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