Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
