Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
