I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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