thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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