my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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