i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I want her autograph on my taint
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
