please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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