she peed on how many people?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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