The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
