I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
