respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
