you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
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I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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