the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
