lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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