Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
