youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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