I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize